Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts

I woke up early today, couldn't sleep more than 3 hours, walked out of the room, made my coffee, came back into my room, lighted a smoke and sat listening to music.

About 10 minutes ago I received an SMS from my aunt in Dubai wishing me a happy birthday, I was so happy she remembered it, for some reason most everybody else in the family forgot about it, guess it becomes a normal thing after 29 years.

Yesterday I took out the people that mean something to me to celebrate my birthday, I wanted to see all the people I love in one place, it was nice but strange.

There were 7 of us including me, most of them didn't know each other, about 1 hour into the outing, it had turned into 3 conversations, with me taking part in none of them, but I was happy and safe in the knowldege that these people were here for me.

I just lay back in my seat with a smile on my face watching them all laughing and talking and I wished I'd die in that moment, I was finally happy.

Some of them commented on me not pulling anyone's leg, I said I couldn't concentrate, but it wasn't true, I just wanted them to know each other so I was silent to let them do that, it was the main purpose of the outing.

Most of us are lonely even though we deny it, I'm glad 2 of them got each other's contacts, I had done something good to 2 people I care about a lot.

One of them got me a present, a bottle of perfume, I'll put it on today, it really meant something to me, it's been 3 years since anyone got me anything, she went to the trouble of thinking what I'd want, I won't be using it too often though, as I want that bottle to remain there reminding me that I do mean something to someone.

I'm supposed to meet someone today, I'm really looking forward to it, I'll excuse myself early from work to meet her, I really miss this girl and she's one of the few who actually care, I'd hug her if I didn't know she wasn't into physical contact and if I knew she wouldn't misinterpret it, I have a bad history that she knows about about abusing hugs when it comes to girls, I wouldn't blame her.

So I'll just get a hold of myself, again, today I think of nothing except the moment, I'm too tired of thinking.

Someone asked me yesterday about my plans for next year, I couldn't think of any, I believe plans are made so we can find something to benchmark against and find a reason for our failures.

I don't want to go to work today, but 3 sundays in a row will be too much, so I'll just have to go I guess.

I don't know what will happen this year, I have 2 plans of travelling, hope atleast one of them works out, I need the change.

I want to get drunk and just sit there thinking of nothing, get rid of these nightmares I'm having and most of all I want to lay anchor somewhere, look someone in the eye and tell her I wanna be with her for the rest of my life and she'll look me in the eye and tell me the same.

I know too romantic, too much of a fairytale, but I can always wish, that's the only thing nobody can take away from me.

1 week ago, I caught myself screaming in the car, I was too frustrated and this was the only thing that happenned, strangely enough, I didn't notice it till it was out.

It was a mix between a scream and a sigh, very loud, people in other cars looked at me as if I'm crazy, which perhaps I am.

Stranger still, I didn't know I was going to do that, I just tried to stop it when it was out, which made it sound even worse, it was like the death throes of a dying a beast that was shot in the bowels but in too much pain to actually make an effort to resist, so he's just dying slowly, looking at his killer, too exhausted to go for him.

Looks like my mom just remembered, she walked into my room right now to tell me happy birthday, I'm glad she's happy, I always made her sad before.

I'll have to run now as I'm late for work, I'll be fine till the lunch break, then fine again when it's over, work tends to do that to me, perhaps it's time I started working late hours just to stop myself thinking of any other thing.

For now, I'll just give myself a hug, wish myself happy birthday, and beg Him for a better year next year, even if I don't deserve it for being too fickle.