Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts

I woke up early today, couldn't sleep more than 3 hours, walked out of the room, made my coffee, came back into my room, lighted a smoke and sat listening to music.

About 10 minutes ago I received an SMS from my aunt in Dubai wishing me a happy birthday, I was so happy she remembered it, for some reason most everybody else in the family forgot about it, guess it becomes a normal thing after 29 years.

Yesterday I took out the people that mean something to me to celebrate my birthday, I wanted to see all the people I love in one place, it was nice but strange.

There were 7 of us including me, most of them didn't know each other, about 1 hour into the outing, it had turned into 3 conversations, with me taking part in none of them, but I was happy and safe in the knowldege that these people were here for me.

I just lay back in my seat with a smile on my face watching them all laughing and talking and I wished I'd die in that moment, I was finally happy.

Some of them commented on me not pulling anyone's leg, I said I couldn't concentrate, but it wasn't true, I just wanted them to know each other so I was silent to let them do that, it was the main purpose of the outing.

Most of us are lonely even though we deny it, I'm glad 2 of them got each other's contacts, I had done something good to 2 people I care about a lot.

One of them got me a present, a bottle of perfume, I'll put it on today, it really meant something to me, it's been 3 years since anyone got me anything, she went to the trouble of thinking what I'd want, I won't be using it too often though, as I want that bottle to remain there reminding me that I do mean something to someone.

I'm supposed to meet someone today, I'm really looking forward to it, I'll excuse myself early from work to meet her, I really miss this girl and she's one of the few who actually care, I'd hug her if I didn't know she wasn't into physical contact and if I knew she wouldn't misinterpret it, I have a bad history that she knows about about abusing hugs when it comes to girls, I wouldn't blame her.

So I'll just get a hold of myself, again, today I think of nothing except the moment, I'm too tired of thinking.

Someone asked me yesterday about my plans for next year, I couldn't think of any, I believe plans are made so we can find something to benchmark against and find a reason for our failures.

I don't want to go to work today, but 3 sundays in a row will be too much, so I'll just have to go I guess.

I don't know what will happen this year, I have 2 plans of travelling, hope atleast one of them works out, I need the change.

I want to get drunk and just sit there thinking of nothing, get rid of these nightmares I'm having and most of all I want to lay anchor somewhere, look someone in the eye and tell her I wanna be with her for the rest of my life and she'll look me in the eye and tell me the same.

I know too romantic, too much of a fairytale, but I can always wish, that's the only thing nobody can take away from me.

1 week ago, I caught myself screaming in the car, I was too frustrated and this was the only thing that happenned, strangely enough, I didn't notice it till it was out.

It was a mix between a scream and a sigh, very loud, people in other cars looked at me as if I'm crazy, which perhaps I am.

Stranger still, I didn't know I was going to do that, I just tried to stop it when it was out, which made it sound even worse, it was like the death throes of a dying a beast that was shot in the bowels but in too much pain to actually make an effort to resist, so he's just dying slowly, looking at his killer, too exhausted to go for him.

Looks like my mom just remembered, she walked into my room right now to tell me happy birthday, I'm glad she's happy, I always made her sad before.

I'll have to run now as I'm late for work, I'll be fine till the lunch break, then fine again when it's over, work tends to do that to me, perhaps it's time I started working late hours just to stop myself thinking of any other thing.

For now, I'll just give myself a hug, wish myself happy birthday, and beg Him for a better year next year, even if I don't deserve it for being too fickle.

Your Youngest and Strongest will fall by The Sword

I watched today one of my old time favourites, an old movie called "Once upon a time in America", premiered in 1984, starring a very young Robert De Niro and James Woods, directed by Sergio Leonne, the soundtrack by Ennio Morricone.

I won't spoil it for you, I'll only make a small outline of the first half of the movie, so if you wanna watch it, you can enjoy it.

This is the story of David Aaranson AKA Noodles (De Niro), a young jewish kid of 14 living in the Ghetto in 1922.

We see him passing through very hard times, a screwed up home and family, very poor, living in an area dominated by a ganglord called Bugsy Malone.

Noodles, along with a group of 4 work for Bugsy, collecting money from store owners for protection, till one day they decide to work on their own, which Bugsy doesn't like and threatens them.

They come up with a new invention to help the mob smuggling, for which they get a cut.

After getting their first real money, walking around the streets, singing and dancing, they encouner Bugsy, who shoots the youngest of the group "Domenic", a 9 year old kid, in return Noodles stabs Bugsy to death and is sent to jail for a 10 year sentence.

The title of the post "Your Youngest and Sterongest will fall by The Sword", is a small senence that was put right above the entrance of the prison to which he was sent, it was also engraved on

the entrance of a graveyard, it summarises a lot of the turning points of the movie.

I will stop here, the story is much deeper, much more complicated than what I listed, which is a very bad narrative for it, you can never make a good summary of a good storyline.

But I'll stop here with one question.

Can you judge Noodles, seeing what background he comes from?

I for one sympathise with him, so he message I'm sending today is however bad someone may look, only judge him when you've seen what he's been through.

Put yourself in his shoes first, what would you do, if you'd find yourself a way out other then doing what they did, then and only then judge them, otherwise hold your peace.

I'll leave you with a part of the soundtrack, I for one never get bored of hearing it, gives me shivers down my spine, it's called Poverty.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvWvmQipf0Y

An unexpected change of tides

This will be very long, even by my standards, don't say I didn't warn you.

I detail below a log of events that have happenned this week, I'll skip the ones that are not mine to share. (Skip to thursday, that's where all the interesting stuff is)

Weekend was a total mess, had something on my mind that had been dragging only in my head, being unable to settle it made me stick at home for most of the time, except for friday morning, I met one of my friends, then aruptly ended the meeting cause I received an SMS that really disturbed me.

Sunday started as a wonderful day, then turned into a gloomy day, something had been settled in a way I didn't want nor wish for, but atleast it's settled.

Monday was lots of work, met one of my dearest friends at night, it was a good meeting, got my mood a bit better.

Tuesday, confused, still trying to find my bearings, went to my mom's performance, best thing I did this week, as it wasn't about fulfilling what I want.

Wednesday, more work, lots of messed up mistakes at work, I'm having trouble focusing nowadays, my mind strays in different directions, it's as if I'm purposefully destroying what I built in a sort of rebellion on myself and what I believe in, it's like I'm daring HIM to strike me down, not sure when I'll get out of this mood, last time it took me 2 years, I hope I've grown enough to realise what needs to be done.

Thursday: 3 main events mark the day.

I. Our CFO came in and asked me why I was so gloomy this week, you look like you've just come back from your son's funeral my friend, he says, then walks away. I just smile stupidly at him, but it really sinks in, have I become so bad at isolating work from life, does it show that much that I'm morbid these days, I was good at putting on my mask before, what happenned??

II. I went to the ATM to draw my payroll to find they had transferred almost double my salary, I call our CFO telling him there's a mistake and whether I should withdraw the cash and return it or leave it there and instruct the bank to re-transfer the difference.

Et voila, the first good news of the week, "You've been doing really well, so we've obtained exceptional approval for you to get 1 month bonus".

This is good news, not about the money, it's about being appreciated, I've been with them since September 14th and already I'm being rewarded.

III. 7 years ago, a friend of mine had a gf, she had a friend, we met up back then, we were very interested in each other, then my friend screwed me, I was out.

3 years later I was home on a 4 day break between jobs, she came on my mind, thought I'd give her a call, she was very welcoming, we started dating for a couple of months, then she told me that she'd already been engaged when I called her.

I stopped calling her, 4 months later, she called me, told me she'd been married for a week and had discovered too late that she was in love with me, I told we couldn't speak anymore it ended there.

Today I was walking at City Stars, when I saw her, she looked as lovely as ever, and NO WEDDING RING.

I stood there like a guy who'd been thunderstruck for about 2 to 3 minutes undecided on what to do, she didn't see me and went on her way.

But I find myself asking, why am I getting all these visions of past events re-visiting me these days, why now?

So, here's what happenned during this week, a queer one, huh?

Crazy ideas

Today I speak of something we all do, decide to do something irrational for the most stupid reasons.

When I was 18, I was supposed to travel to Sharm with my friends, I arranged everything, got them good room rates, flight details and everything.

2 days before the trip I had a fight with my dad and I couldn't travel,.

So here I was in Cairo, with all my friends in Sharm for the next 10 days in the mid-year vacation, I needed to do something to get out of this mood.

So, I went over to my barber, told him to shave my head clean (zalabatta) and walked over to the club.

I sat in the middle of the pergola waiting for anyone to come over and start making fun of me, I wanted to find something to laugh about, no better thing came to mind than to laugh at the jokes people made about me.

It actually worked, I had a good day of laughing, but I was stuck with an ugly head for another couple of weeks till my hair re-grew.

Anyone done anything irrational like that before?

The Performance

My mom is a member of a choir, she likes to sing and it fills up her life a bit, since - regrettably - I'm not there for her as much as I hope, I'd been shutting myself up in my room for the last 14 years, only come out during meal times.

They have 2 performances a year, on 2 consecutive days, yesterday was the first, today the second.

Anyway, I didn't intend to attend her annual performance yesterday as I was out of mood, my dad couldn't attend as well as he's ill.

I went home after work, opened up a bottle of beer and decided tonight was one to drink, make fun of people and shut the world out, when my dad knocked on my door and told me that my mom was ill and would only be singing on the first performance and that she had called him and told him she was very frustrated at me for not being there.

Anyway, I got up, got dressed in my finest suit, went over to attend.

I arrived after it had started, so I waited till the entre'acte, then went over to her, hugged her, and for the first time, my mom cried on my shoulder, she was very happy that I took the trouble and went.

You should've seen her showing me around to her friends, calling them over "That's my son", I was happy for her and I regret the many times I let her down.

I wanna make it up to her, I was very selfish, too indulged in my own grief to actually notice how we made her feel at home, that she actually sought a life elsewhere.

I wanna take her out next friday, along with my dad, not sure where though.

On a brighter note, I'd been trying to make contact with a fellow blogger, yesterday when I returned home, I found him online, we had a brief but good talk, I hope I didn't bore him to death, he's a good guy who'll grow up to see the world isn't about decisions one day, it's about how you handle them.

I feel I must apologise for being royally boring during the last couple of days, I had lost something dear to me and was trying to regain my self-esteem, coming to terms with loss does that to me.

Special thanks to Sand for letting me see it, even if the words were rough around the edges, I was losing something more important, your words made me regain them (It's the post I deleted).

Also for a very old friend for being here when needed most, I know it was difficult, I'm not sure you read my blog anymore, but just in case you do, I owe you this one amopngst a lot of other things.

It's 8:15, I'm due at City Stars at 9:00.

I'll see you all soon, hope not to bore you all again.

Slop out!!!!

This has been too gloomy, let's have a laugh

Mafia Panda, was posted on my forum, thought I'd share, will make for a change from yesterday's mood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8n3KDH73BY

Another year approaches

I'm turning 29 next week, as I look back, this was one of the most turbulent of my life.

I made a lot of wrong decisions which were remedied by different moves later on, on the whole it was a good year results wise, although the steps taken were quite painful.

I list below a not-so-detailed account of the goings by month.

November 2007: I make a move to a major local retailer, leaving my multi-national industry leader for double my package, which seemed right at the time, later turned out to be the ruin of my career.
December 2007: I go into a brief relationship which showed me that I can be a bastard like anyone else.
January 2008: Problems arise at work which result in me starting to look for a move, for the first time I'm threatened of losing my job, cause I took the fight to a personal level with an unscupulous character.
February 2008: I end the relationship I started, being forced to by someone speaking behind my back.
March 2008: An old relative of mine re-appears in my life, giving me better leverage, we had been torn apart by the division bell, people call religious beliefs.
April 2008: Job hunting with no success.
May 2008: My boss resigns, which gives me more time to look for a job, may he never experience a moment of happiness.
June 2008: Nothing
July 2008: An old friend re-approaches me after disappearing for 15 months, the greatest event of the year.
August 2008: I find a new job effective September, life is looking brighter by the moment.
September 2008: I move to my new job, start finding a purpose for life finally, I hope my dream realises after 8 years of waiting.
October 2008: I break my last tie to my old chums, a decision I should've taken long ago.

So there you see, it was a fruitful year, though full of unexpected turns, I don't regret anything except the delays that came on the way.

I hope the next year will be a continuation, no more turning points for me, except on one field which I hope will be settled finally.

Strange conversation

Well, I have 2 pieces of news:

Primarily, It went really well, I passed one of my toughest tests.

The second piece is a very strange story, as some of you know, I'm 29, I come from a rather liberal family, they've always been letting me be, I do what I wish, with 2 limits, main of which is, I have a curfew at home, I have to be home before 1 AM.

Anyway, I had a friend return to the country yesterday late at night, I wanted to pick her up and drive her home, knowing my parents, they wouldn't have agreed to me leaving the house that late, so I told them I was travelling to Alexandria early in the morning, left to a friend's house, spent the day there, had to leave him at 11 PM, as he has work in the morning.

Anyway, I went to the airport to pick my friend, got her to her place around 5 AM, then I had a problem, I wasn't due at home till 8 AM, what should I do with these 3 hours?

I started driving around in circles, then I stopped by a young police officer in Lebanon square, mohandesseen, and the following conversation started:

Me: Is it ok if I park and sleep in my car or is it illegal?
Officer: Sure, no problem, where are you from?
Me: Mohandesseen
Officer: Why do you need to sleep in the car?
Me: Long story
Officer: Why don't you park and come have a chat with me?
Me: Ok

I parked there, walked over, we had a couple of smokes, and I told him my story and why I couldn't go home right away, the guy goes "Well, my shift's over, let's go for some coffee somewhere"

He invited me for a coffee at on the run, we kept on speaking of life in Egypt, what it's like, then I drove him to the police station and went home.

And I think of this strange thing, how come this guy was so interested, the time passed like it was riding a hornet, I can only say one thing, what goes around, comes around, just when I was thinking I'm all alone, having left all of my friends, with nowhere to go for the night, God sent me this man to pass the night and learn about myself what I never knew before.

Strange how the world operates, each day I look at it, and I see the harmony in things, what we thought was chaos, was in fact the perfect harmony, I'm babbling again, have a good day everyone.

The Awakening

I'm glad to announce that my first week without friends has passed, strangely enough, I haven't looked back, neither have they.

Tomorrow will be a long day, that will end - hopefully - in the return of the last one I have to remind me of what I am, not what I pretend to be.

I don't know how I feel about it, I'm happy she's coming back, but I also dread it, I'm not used to showing my emotions in real, I usually do my best to suppress them, but with what's going on, it's difficult to wear the cold face, it's queer really, when you're used to be around for someone, you find it difficult to accept the fact that now you need them to be around for you.

I'm not weak, it's just that this time I feel utterly alone, I've been with this group of so-called friends for almost 14 years now, so when I had to split away, I don't know what to do, over the week, I manage to indulge myself at work, working long hours so I go home to sleep, but the weekend is a nightmare, we used to have coffee every friday morning, for the first time in almost 4 years, this isn't happening, not because someone is away, but because we're no longer there for each other.

We've been split by our own ambitions, my ambition in turning people I care for into what they deserve to be, and my "friend's" ambition to prove to himself that he can do whatever he pleases at anyone's expense, it was a battle of dominance, which I utterly lost.

So now, when the last of us returns tomorrow, I'm afraid of how I'll react, will I be able to preserve being the same person she's known, or has my recent loss gotten to me that I'm no longer fit for human company.

The Queen revokes US Independence

This was posted on our forum, thought I'd share.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II



In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.



(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)



Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).



Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.



Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:



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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,''favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').



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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'



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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.



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4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.



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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.



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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.



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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.



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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.



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9. The cold, t asteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.



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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.



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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).



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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.



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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.



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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).



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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.



God Save the Queen!



PS:Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Free at last

Well, dudes and dudettes,

I'm glad to announce that I've finally gotten rid of the most parasitic person who ever existed.

That was supposed to be my best friend, he'd stabbed me in the back once too often.

First, transmitting stuff about me that was said in confidence, then hitting on someone very dear to me, and today, the final straw.

I was informed today that I spend my time in the company of prostitutes, and that I'm in debt to this "Friend" of mine cause of this.

Now that is a piece of info I never knew, and it crosses the last line, so, he's out.

I'm now a free man, the last link to my past has been torn and may it never re-establish itself.

Brick Walls, I can't breath anymore

Here's the story in a nut shell, my circle of people consists of the following group.

1. Someone who'll do anything to get whatever they want in life, even stepping on their closest friends.
2. Someone who thinks they can handle themselves with anything life throws at them, when in fact, they're as vulnerable as a new born cat.
3. Someone who'll get upset about anything that clashes with what they believe.
4. Someone who's had a bad experience and won't let themselves try and let anyone else have a go.

Now, here's how they interact:

A. We have (1) making passes at (2), when failing, tries to turn me against (2).
B. (2) despises (1), and they're right.
C. (1) pulls (3's) leg by indulging in provocative conversations, (3) demands (1's) head in return.
D. (4) is just unsure what they want to do, which makes life difficult to everyone.

Now, here's the usual conversation:

1. Thinks you over-react.
2. Tells you you think too much.
3. Tells you you're far too lenient.
4. Tells you you deserve a better life.


With me in the middle trying to keep everyone happy, and I'm tired of it, I'm pushing 4 walls that are closing in on me.

FFS, why can't I be as happy as everyone else, is this a crime?!!

Needful Things (Not the book, just inspired by the name)

I started reading a book recently called Needful Things, by Stephen King, I must admit of being guilty of postponing reading for this guy for a long, it's the first time I read for him, anyway this post is not about the book, it's about, what's the thing you need most right now, just one thing though??

I'll begin with myself:

1. I missed the lunch break call today, better get used to it.
2. I'm in bad need of a massage, nothing sexual about it, just honestly "Me7tag atar2a3 dahry"

See, I couldn't even follow my own rule, I want 2 things.

What do you want people?!!!

The Promotion

For the last couple of weeks, I'd been handling some stuff for other offices, for those who care to know, I'm a financial analyst, so basically my job is about budgeting company's activity, converting them into numbers, and analyzing actual figures to see if there's room for improvement.

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, I was being involved with other offices budget preparation, basically through advising them on what methods to use and challenging their figures.

Today, to my surprise, I received an e-mail from the regional finance director, that the regional analyst had left the company and I'm to take over his responsibilities, that's 22 offices.

No title, I'm still only Egypt's Senior Analyst, but I see this as a good opportunity, particularly that I just joined this company 7 weeks ago, which probably means they're impressed.

So, drinks on the house dudes and dudettes:D