I'm glad to announce that my first week without friends has passed, strangely enough, I haven't looked back, neither have they.
Tomorrow will be a long day, that will end - hopefully - in the return of the last one I have to remind me of what I am, not what I pretend to be.
I don't know how I feel about it, I'm happy she's coming back, but I also dread it, I'm not used to showing my emotions in real, I usually do my best to suppress them, but with what's going on, it's difficult to wear the cold face, it's queer really, when you're used to be around for someone, you find it difficult to accept the fact that now you need them to be around for you.
I'm not weak, it's just that this time I feel utterly alone, I've been with this group of so-called friends for almost 14 years now, so when I had to split away, I don't know what to do, over the week, I manage to indulge myself at work, working long hours so I go home to sleep, but the weekend is a nightmare, we used to have coffee every friday morning, for the first time in almost 4 years, this isn't happening, not because someone is away, but because we're no longer there for each other.
We've been split by our own ambitions, my ambition in turning people I care for into what they deserve to be, and my "friend's" ambition to prove to himself that he can do whatever he pleases at anyone's expense, it was a battle of dominance, which I utterly lost.
So now, when the last of us returns tomorrow, I'm afraid of how I'll react, will I be able to preserve being the same person she's known, or has my recent loss gotten to me that I'm no longer fit for human company.
Miss my Blog
8 years ago
4 comments:
Why don't you try to show how you feel its ok if you do you know why do we always feel we have to be something we dont we just be.. whatever fucked up we are just be yourself give it to the world if they don't like it. In my book its better to not have coffee friends than having a mediocre.. don't know about you though
I totally agree with you, but I have reasons to show only some aspects of me, not all.
In this particular case, I'll be different than what she knows, I wasn't acting, I never lied, I just always took the patronizing role with my close friends, it helps them, they can't see me weak, it literally throws down everything I've built over the last 12 years of my life.
In each group of friends, there's always the party pooper, the one who stays sober whatever happens, I was that one, now I've gone back to the bottle, allowed myself to indulge in my own sadness.
My friends shouldn't be allowed to see that, it ruins my role.
friendship includes:
new friends
dumbed friends(whether we dumbed them or vise verse)
and re-discovered friends.
so keep on that last good friend and have new ones and don't afraid of showing ur emotions, it is not showing u r weak or vulnerable,it shows that u r human.
kaman don't be afraid of ur image or ur role, as u said to, to change in her eyes, coz it will make u closer coz she will c a side nobody have seen before
Don't try to over rationlise it, what will be will.
Losing friends (ones who've been close for so long) can literly rock your world, but if you find that you miss what u did with them or for them more then you miss the people. then you lost nothing and it's just time to make new friends with new habits
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