Polarity

Lately I've noticed that we live in a society which has slowly moved to the edges of human conception.

On the one hand, we have the fundamentalists (Both Muslim and Christian), who seem to be preaching a return to the roots of their respective religions. However, as much as I respect the self-restraint in quelling ones desires, I do believe that to them, religion is no longer a path to take, it is simply an entity, one that that can be respected - or even followed blindly - or ridiculed.

While I do tend to understand, somehow I've found it really disturbing how they've turned their teachings into some sort of morally tangible asset, it simply gives one's beliefs the ability to be insulted - which happens everyday - or ridiculed. To them, it's simply a source of pride, nothing more, nothing less. However, they do tend to forget more fundamental aspects of their beliefs, simply cause of their inability to let their own ego go.

Then, on the other hand, there's the new trend of kids, the ones you'll see when you go to - more or less - high society outings.

These differ in one fundamental aspect, they detest religious belief in anyway, their self-restrain is quite conspicuous for its absence, they live for the moment and barely look further than tonight's outing, their pride in science and realism is quite admirable, everything is explicable that way.

Again, I do admire their courage in speaking their beliefs - or lack thereof - but I fail to see humans inside this shell, while these people are fun to be with or around, their presence is an invitation to all sorts of worldly calamities.

Their lack of self-restraint is appaling at best, disgusting at worst, they're merely shells that look like humans, nothing more, nothing less.

I have to ask myself, what happenned to our age-old traditions of mediation, what happenned to our people, why are there two swings of this pendulum?

I yearn to meet someone who I can safely interact with, without fear of their loose manners or their ferocity in defending their ideas.

I can only hope I suppose.

Define yourself

I know it's been long, but somehow I'd felt like there was nothing in me to write about, ironically today, I do have something to talk about.

It's been quite stormy lately, however, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel, only, sometimes it's the train that coming to run you over and get it over with.

Anyway, I'd been contemplating certain events, choices, crossroads and trying to find out whether I was right or wrong to take them, also, if I were wrong, where did I go wrong?

I sat down, remembered a few conversations that defined certain times of my life, all of a sudden it dawned on me that I had failed to actually define myself.

Some people would say it's our choices that define us, I'll take that with a pinch of salt, it must be deeper than this.

Other people will tell you that it's our aspirations, our intentions that define us, again, too theoretical for my liking.

I believe it's our boundaries that define us, not our potentials or our capabilities, it's our moral and mental boundaries, let me tell you a small story of myself when I was much younger, a 20 year old story, back from when I was 11.

I had switched schools, moved to a better school (or so my parents told me at the time), at 11, guys begin taking the transition into adulthood (Physical ofcourse), the time when you're waiting for your beard to grow, waiting to go out on your first date, waiting for the first time you wake up and find you ejaculated while you were asleep, forgive the wording, but I'm not in a mood to pick my words.

Naturally, it varies from one guy to another, some take the transition at 11, others later on, but that's not what I'm here to discuss, what I'm here to discuss is the mental change that goes with it, the ego growth for a boy who feels he's now a man.

First thing I noticed at my new school is that there were gangs amongst the students, I was the new comer, so I wasn't in any of the gangs/coalitions, then came the first fight, like in-mates in a prison, testing the mettle of the new comer, I still remember the guy who picked the fight, he was a short scrawny fellow, I was quite large for my age, naturally I beat him, I was taller and heavier, he stood no chance, then followed his gang, and for the first time I was exposed to a gang beating for 5 minutes I lay on the floor being kicked by 7 or 8 guys, some pulled their belts and started whipping me with them, my best hope was to cover my face and my eyes.

Next week, another fight similar to the first, different names, different faces, same scenario.

I did notice though, that there was another guy who nobody seemed to touch, he wasn't particularly strong, but they all let him be, for some reason this guy had the space and he also inspired fear in them.

Until one day ( 3 years later) I asked him how come he was left unmolested, when people would come from different buildings to pick on me even though I was fitter than him and a better fighter, and he gave me the answer.

" Cause you're a coward, you beat one of them, but you never make any of them bleed, you never hurt, you simply subdue, so they know that you're not dangerous to fight with, they'll beat you and you'll tickle them, you're too scared to draw out blood, too scared to hurt."

Next week, I had another fight, but this time I decided I wasn't going to be so soft anymore, I nearly killed one of them, I can still remember how I kept banging his head on a wall.

Next week, another fight, same scenario, except this time it was in the street in front of school and I threw the guy in front of a moving car.

Lo and behold, nobody came my way anymore.

I, too decided not to fight again, and I haven't, last time I fought I was 15, after that I was simply not interested in fighting, I'd let insults pass, cause I was simply not interested, I knew that if I let my temper rise again, I'd cause someone some serious harm and I had a future to look out for.

Now, jumping forward 16 years later, I still have a boundary, I never ever cross it, in verbal confrontations ofcourse, but somehow I'm beginning to wonder if I should for once let loose all the anger, if I should overlook my own standards and hit back, way below the belt, like everyone's doing to me, how would I feel?

The more important question is, how will I define myself after this eruption, what will I lose and what will I gain, or will I simply lose without gaining?

What do you think?

Vini, Vidi

Just some disjointed thoughts of some things I see in people all around.

I see people battling to prove something that was proved long ago, take the next step and act instead of looking astonished.

I see people who are described as honest, is honest the right word or is rude a more fitting description?

I see some people who've lost things that were never their's, to them I say, you lose you learn, be careful who you stand up against next time.

I see ghosts of the past rising, to them I say, that was long ago, in the past you belong, in the past you stay.

I see a beautiful smile, keep it up, it's the only thing that makes it worth it.

I see a desperate soul, to you I say, you taught me not to despair, do you really need a lesson from me?

I see alien thoughts, some are good, some are bad, to all of us I say, treat them like you'd treat a snake, milk it for it's poison, but remember that at the end of the day it's still a poison, never ever forget that

A trip down memory lane

Well, today I drove the wifey to work, then headed to my own work.

Just as I dropped her off, I had this urge to listen to this CD that the wifey had gotten me back from Prague, I pulled over, walked to the trunk, looked for it and found it.

I played it and suddenly I was back 8 months in time to the day she gave me that CD, I remembered every day of the month before she accepted my proposal of marriage.

Each and every single track of this CD has a memory for me, some good and some painful, but it was a good feeling re-visiting that period, remembering every word, every smile and every car trip I had listening to this music.

Strange what music does, don't you think ?

Some thinking

I've been reading a few blogs recently, some of them known for their frequency of updates and others for their gore and total contempt of other's beliefs.

Now, I will not go as far as denying people the freedom of expressing their own opinions, I will not even dignify the views presented on these blogs by discussing them here or anywhere.

I will, however point some views on how the owners of these blogs handle their posts.

1. Being against an idea or presenting a contradicting idea does not necessarily mean degreading the concept you are addressing by constantly bombarding other people's beliefs, affiliations or tendencies, in doing so, you degrade both yourself and the idea you're presenting.

2. In people's attempts to un-dignify or de-throne an idea, they have gone as far as breaking their own rules, now this - in my humble opinion - shows the author for what they are, I leave that for your imagination.

3. Some people keep complaining about the current state of events in general, I agree, things might be bad, maybe even worse than described, but, have you offered an alternative, NO, instead, you've just highlighted something already highlighted, so either present an answer or leave the matter untouched, no need to re-open already decaying wounds, you'll only spread mal-content and not offer a solution.

That's it for today.

C L E A N S I N G

So, the cleansing begins, for me and my own.

In a way I expected this, a little earlier than expected, but it happenned.

Guess it's better this way, wipe the slate clean and start afresh.

It is during these times that the mettle of people shows, somehow, most have behaved as I expected they would, no disappointments there, they did exactly what I expected them to do, for better or worse. 

You see, I've always thought that every stage of life will be through tremendous change, change that is somewhat bordering on turning into an operation.

In tarot decks, death is usually a welcome card, it signifies change, usually to the better, perhaps now I'm passing through this phase of death, in its good meaning.

Quote of the moment

"Look to my coming at first light of the fifth day, at dawn, look to the east"

Gandalf the White

Been Long

That's right peeps, it has been long since I last posted, I guess it's because things are stabilising, thanks to Sarah's presence.

It has been occurred to me that I only blog when I'm down, however, when I'm stable, or pre-occupied with other matters, I simply find nothing to blog about.

Sarah has been very supportive recently, yes, there have been the occasional bursts from both sides, but this is expected at this stage and we never make the same mistakes again (We come up with brand new ones for that matter).

We're opening up to each other, which I believe is very healthy, this relationship is forming up into the sanctuary we have to share our pains and fears, as well as our joys and precious moments, so on that front, I can say I couldn't be happier.

You see, for me this has been a dream, a dream I had been too scared to realise for so long, so when I finally had the gutts to grab what I want, I could do nothing but savour every precious moment.

I guess that's all I have to say, words fail me when it comes to her, I guess music would be a more able tool when it comes to being with Sarah, words simply are not enough.

Into the fray

I guess we were all given a barrel full of shit and honey at the beginning of our lives and were told to eat it all, once it's done, our life ends.

Some went with the obvious, peeled through the shit, ate all the honey and are now left with the shit to finish for the rest of their lives, for example people who took the easy way back in their teens, flunking college, living on women (or guys), drugs and liquor.

Some went with the more conservative approach of taking all the shit when they were younger to get all the honey when they grow older, for example people who had long nights working on their projects or jobs, postponing their own leisure time for later on.

Then there were those who went hand in hand on both ways, or took different stages, eating through the shit for long times then re-surfacing for some honey every once in a while, to help them carry on.

I know I've adopted the third approach, atleast for the last 6 years, it's worked for me, I look around me and I see people of all approaches.

To them I say, your choices, your lives, some may think they deserve better, some may look back and regret, some may be content with their current lives as they are.

But are you really happy with what you've done so far, do you have something to look forward to?

If you've wasted so much time immersed in shit, but you have something to look forward to, some light at the end of the tunnel, you're on the right track.

If you've enjoyed your life earlier but are suffering now, well, you took a downpayment, perhaps it's time to settle your bills.

If you've always been about taking shit, and still haven't found a purpose for life, then perhaps it's time you went looking for one.

Human Mind

Strange this mind of our's is, here's what I found out recently.

I've had some hearing problems for the last 4 years, my right ear seems to be slowly fading away, people who know me notice that I hear better when you're on my left side.

Anyway, about 10 days ago I discovered that I'd been reading sub-consciously reading people's lips for quite some time, this happenned when I was sitting with Sarah, she was speaking, I could understand every words, then she decided to have a puff of her cigarette, so her hand obscured her lips from my sight, the one word she said in that moment was the only one I didn't get in that sentence.

I've been experimenting ever since, this was confirmed last friday at the concert me and Sarah attended, I couldn't hear the voclist quite well, I knew Sarah was singing along beside me, so I just turned around and started reading the lyric from her lips.

How long I've had this, I have no clue, but obviously I learned it unknowingly and probably it's been there for a long time, strange, right?

Another strange thing is that I've confirmed another thing that I'd doubted about me, I tend to overly lose focus and absent-minded when I'm feeling down or something is pre-occupying me.

The last time this happenned, I kept on holding a door while it was being closed till it actually closed on my hand, hmmmm.

Looks like my head is where everything else is, both good and bad.

Maybe I'm telepathic as well, or I can do some telekinesis, who knows, the possibilities are quite staggering.

That was it dudes and dudettes for today, nothing special, just plain weird.

Pheonix

Looks like suffering is the real furnace in which we are all thrown to be molded into realising our true potentials.

I remember every scar, every hardship and every gauntlet I've had to run.

I remember the bitterness, confusions and frustrations, how I sometimes succumbed, how on other occasions I knew deep inside that it was a passing phase.

But I also remember how I waited for these phases to end, they never did unless when I stopped waiting, looks like in waiting I'm judging Him.

But at the end of the day, I emerged out of this furnace battle-scarred and harder to break.

Like a pheonix rising out of the ashes, more potent than ever.

Of Love

Whether you're in love with your parents, brothers, sisters, wife or kids, the concept never changes, the circumstances might vary, but that's it.

A regular misconception of love is wanting to be close to someone, it's far deeper than that, love is about not failing your loved ones, to be there when they most need you, to put aside all your differences for the greater cause.

When the shit hits the fan and you're on your own, facing a world of fear and uncertainty, that's when the mettle shows, that's when you tell the boys from the men.

When you're caught in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but your own meagre resources, that's when those who love you are there.

So, don't be fooled about love, it's a dangerous thing, it's the stuff that makes prey show itself to its predators to draw their attention from its children.

Wherever you are, whoever you are, find out those who love you and cling to them, they're pure gold, only you'll never appreciate them till you need them and they don't disappoint.

I found out mine, have you?

Subtlety

I was listening to Saint-Saens Symphony no. 3 today, I always enjoyed this sort of music, always thought that my passion for classical music was due to the fact that my grandfather used to listen to it when I was young.

Later on, I thought that it was cause of the way it let my mind wander afar trying to feel like the composer does.

But today, it hit me, what's beautiful about classical music is the subtlety involved, it tickles your feelings, puts you in a state of mind where you're unable to comprehend whether you're happy, sad or condused.

The multiple themes involved, the way they intermingle, the polyphony, always keeps you on your toes, waiting for more, wanting to know more.

It's like sitting beside a pianist, listening to him playing, you wanna go to bed, but can't, because you know that the next song will be better, and the one after will be the most beautiful you ever heard in your entire life.

It's like being lured into unknown world.

Anyway, here I am mumbling again, trying to describe what's undescribable.

Slop out!!!

The Swindler

By definition, the swindler is the one who screws you up while you're happy about it.

Unfortunately, that's part of my job, swindling people, my job, however, does not include the stealing part of a swindler's job.

Basically, what I do is try to keep everyone happy and convinced that they got away with what they wanted, when in fact, they got away with what I wanted them to get away with.

It doesn't really matter what they want, what really matters is does what they want fit within the whole context of what the business needs??

So, I convince them that they don't really need what they wanted, what they need is to fall within the overall context, someone's gotta lose at the end, it won't be me.

So, here I am, caught between 3 parties, with 3 different agendae:

A. Business Owner. (Max return on investment)

B. Top Management. (Play it Safe)

C. Individual Directors. (Smaller target with a higher Budget)

With poor little old me trying to please them all, no way, except, The Swindler.

Otherwise, they get someone else to do it for them and I'm on the streets.

Any0ne have anything to add??

Till Death Do Us Part

Today something special took place I finally got over my commitment phobia and decided I am ready to be in a serious relationship and hence came the decision to get engaged to the one and only my best friend and wife to be Sarah Yehia AKA Sou

To the utter surprise of both our families we tied the knot today in a family ceremony.

Wishing everyone our kind of happiness.

Take Care and wedding gifts are accepted from now on forward or Cash denotations are better.

Ciao

Just lovely

Sitting at Cilantro mohandesseen, I'm currently watching a scene that always annoyed me, a 25 year old guy exercising his charm on a 17 year old kid.

I see the look in both eyes, and it's like telepathy, the girl is fascinated, the guy had the hungry wolf look.

This is an accident waiting to happen, she stands no chance against this one.

Well, I know that you're all gonna say, she knows what she's doing, she's master of her own fate.

But, this is one of the few things I respect about foreign countries, anywhere that's not Egypt, this pedophile would be prosecuted by now.

Ah, the ironies of life, I sit here and watch what I used to do long ago and I resent it, who knows how many I hurt along the way before I was awakened and could no longer do that willingly.

I'm really tempted to walk over to them, the guy represents everything I've ever hated, ever resented and everything I've tried to break but failed.

The arrogance, hunger and gluttony in that look will haunt me for a while, and I'll always remember this look.

Devine Intervention

This weekend was full of contradictions, I'll include below excerpts from my personal log.

Thursday, December 11, 2008,

Day 3 of going Cold Turkey on my addiction, I went to work again today, anything is welcome to distract me now, even working while everyone else is enjoying themselves 11 storeys below me is a welcome distraction.

I came home after a long working day, I think I've caught a cold, might have a fever, but I'd rather not take my temperature, than find I have a fever and my father hears word of it, I'll never hear the end of it.

I've instead entered into solitary confinement, I close my door and do nothing, just facing my addiction, it's not physical, it's psychlogical, I need to get rid of this dependence.

Around midnight, I had a good chat with a friend, strange how I've only known this one for less than a week and we clicked really well, I'm finding more comfort in talking to this one, than my old friends.

Friday, December 12, 2008,

Day 4 begins, this will be tougher than usual, my hand strays to the painkiller, but no painkillers for me today, I walk out of the room for a while for fresh air, this room is beginning to look and smell more like a mix of an internal combustion engines and a pig sty.

I go in again, take a look at my phone if anyone's called, nobody, don't know whether to feel good or bad about it, I miss human company, but I must face this alone, no distractions.

Around midnight, same scenario as last night, except this time, I took my temperature, no fever thankfully.

Saturday, December 13, 2008,

I went out early today, I had 2 appointments, plus some errands to do in between.

First, I visited a relative of mine, he's depressed and needs the company, we sat down listening to music and playing chess.

Just as I'm about to leave, I receive a long-dreaded call, my addiction has come to visit me, strange how my whole mood changed, my face lighted up, I'm sure I had a glimmer in my eye.

I kept staring at that phone, unsure what to do, I picked up, and within 1 minute, I was back 8 years in time, there's no addiction, no fear, just pure joy at hearing an old friend's voice.

How could I have been so dumb, just cause things didn't go my way, it doesn't mean it has to be the highway.

There's a lot of history in there, history that I was willing to let go, just cause I was too scared to lose her, I was destroying the same thing I was trying to preserve.

How ironic is that, in my feverish attempts to make sure a life long friendship would last forever, I was going to ruin it.

I don't know if the above sentence made sense, but it's how I saw everything very clearly, suddenly there was no longing, no possessiveness, just pure mutual history and caring, we were just enjoying each other's company.

Have I been such a fool as to try and finish this and consider it a weakness on my side to maintain it??!!!!!

At night, I had a wonderful meeting I'd been looking forward to for a while, and it surpassed my expectations.

So, again, I can say nothing to explain what happenned except 2 words "Devine Intervention".