Define yourself

I know it's been long, but somehow I'd felt like there was nothing in me to write about, ironically today, I do have something to talk about.

It's been quite stormy lately, however, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel, only, sometimes it's the train that coming to run you over and get it over with.

Anyway, I'd been contemplating certain events, choices, crossroads and trying to find out whether I was right or wrong to take them, also, if I were wrong, where did I go wrong?

I sat down, remembered a few conversations that defined certain times of my life, all of a sudden it dawned on me that I had failed to actually define myself.

Some people would say it's our choices that define us, I'll take that with a pinch of salt, it must be deeper than this.

Other people will tell you that it's our aspirations, our intentions that define us, again, too theoretical for my liking.

I believe it's our boundaries that define us, not our potentials or our capabilities, it's our moral and mental boundaries, let me tell you a small story of myself when I was much younger, a 20 year old story, back from when I was 11.

I had switched schools, moved to a better school (or so my parents told me at the time), at 11, guys begin taking the transition into adulthood (Physical ofcourse), the time when you're waiting for your beard to grow, waiting to go out on your first date, waiting for the first time you wake up and find you ejaculated while you were asleep, forgive the wording, but I'm not in a mood to pick my words.

Naturally, it varies from one guy to another, some take the transition at 11, others later on, but that's not what I'm here to discuss, what I'm here to discuss is the mental change that goes with it, the ego growth for a boy who feels he's now a man.

First thing I noticed at my new school is that there were gangs amongst the students, I was the new comer, so I wasn't in any of the gangs/coalitions, then came the first fight, like in-mates in a prison, testing the mettle of the new comer, I still remember the guy who picked the fight, he was a short scrawny fellow, I was quite large for my age, naturally I beat him, I was taller and heavier, he stood no chance, then followed his gang, and for the first time I was exposed to a gang beating for 5 minutes I lay on the floor being kicked by 7 or 8 guys, some pulled their belts and started whipping me with them, my best hope was to cover my face and my eyes.

Next week, another fight similar to the first, different names, different faces, same scenario.

I did notice though, that there was another guy who nobody seemed to touch, he wasn't particularly strong, but they all let him be, for some reason this guy had the space and he also inspired fear in them.

Until one day ( 3 years later) I asked him how come he was left unmolested, when people would come from different buildings to pick on me even though I was fitter than him and a better fighter, and he gave me the answer.

" Cause you're a coward, you beat one of them, but you never make any of them bleed, you never hurt, you simply subdue, so they know that you're not dangerous to fight with, they'll beat you and you'll tickle them, you're too scared to draw out blood, too scared to hurt."

Next week, I had another fight, but this time I decided I wasn't going to be so soft anymore, I nearly killed one of them, I can still remember how I kept banging his head on a wall.

Next week, another fight, same scenario, except this time it was in the street in front of school and I threw the guy in front of a moving car.

Lo and behold, nobody came my way anymore.

I, too decided not to fight again, and I haven't, last time I fought I was 15, after that I was simply not interested in fighting, I'd let insults pass, cause I was simply not interested, I knew that if I let my temper rise again, I'd cause someone some serious harm and I had a future to look out for.

Now, jumping forward 16 years later, I still have a boundary, I never ever cross it, in verbal confrontations ofcourse, but somehow I'm beginning to wonder if I should for once let loose all the anger, if I should overlook my own standards and hit back, way below the belt, like everyone's doing to me, how would I feel?

The more important question is, how will I define myself after this eruption, what will I lose and what will I gain, or will I simply lose without gaining?

What do you think?

A trip down memory lane

Well, today I drove the wifey to work, then headed to my own work.

Just as I dropped her off, I had this urge to listen to this CD that the wifey had gotten me back from Prague, I pulled over, walked to the trunk, looked for it and found it.

I played it and suddenly I was back 8 months in time to the day she gave me that CD, I remembered every day of the month before she accepted my proposal of marriage.

Each and every single track of this CD has a memory for me, some good and some painful, but it was a good feeling re-visiting that period, remembering every word, every smile and every car trip I had listening to this music.

Strange what music does, don't you think ?

Some music for a change

I noticed yesterday night that my mom was a bit depressed, so I had a little sitting with her today, ofcourse, the only ground we have in common these days is music, so we sat with Youtube, listening to some oldies.

I suddenly remembered a song that was for a very long time - about 13 years ago - my all time favourite.

I know it's an oldie, out of fashion and some people will find it lame, but till today, this song really means something to me, I leave you with Girl - The Beatles.

Is there anybody going to listen to my story

All about the girl who came to stay

She's the kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry

Still you don't regret a single day

Ah, Girl (*2)

When I think of all the times I tried so hard to leave her

She will turn to me and start to cry

And she promises the earth to me and I'd believe her

After all this time I don't know why

Ah, Girl (*2)

She's the kind of girl who'll put you down

When friends are there you feel a fool

When they say she's looking good, she acts as if it's understood

She's cool

Girl (*2)

Was she told when she was young that fame would lead to pleasure?

Did she understand it when they said?

That a man must break his back to earn his day of leisure

Does she still believe it when he's dead

Ah, Girl (*2)

Choices, tests, predicaments, whatever you choose to call them

I was reading Insomniac's post, it struck the nail on the head

This is something I'd been considering writing about for a long time, I was going to reply to the post, but found that the comment was too long, so I'm moving it to this post.

My father always holds a sort of intellectual saloon at our place, to these gatherings are invited people who represent the cream of the intellectual society in Egypt, when I was 14 I was allowed to attend if I felt like it, my father thought it was a good idea to help my mental growth if I got acquainted with older people, he was trying to replace my friends with his.

Needless to say, it never worked in that way, but the conversations I attended were quite enlightening, I remember this one in particular, I was 15 at the time, so most of the details were overlooked, but I'm including the essence of it.

The 2 people involved were my father  (Referred to as S) and a well known Egyptian writer who's well known for his atheist beliefs (Referred to as C).

S: So you believe stealing is wrong under all circumstances?

C: Absolutely

S: And if it can't be helped, if circumstances give you no other option?

C: No such thing, there's always a way around it.

S: And if you're poor, you have a sick wife and a hungry child?

C: I'll learn a trade and work

S: And if you fail to find work to provide for them?

C: Atleast we'll all die knowing that I did the right thing.

S: I sincerely pray to God that you never have to be put to that test.

Now, back to how this brief conversation affected me.

Like C, I believed there was always a way to preserve your integrity, yes, you pass through hardships, but whenever you overcome them in tact, your mettle shows for what it really is, this is a common concept for most faiths, the theory of tests as I prefer to refer to it, right?

Wrong!!

There is another more subtle way to look at it, God is very subtle in teaching us what we need to learn, failing to notice those subtle lessons, leads us to phase 2, phase 2 is much more violent, Life is violent, only by His grace are we safge within it, unscathed.

What would happen if life is let loose on us, believe me, none of us can handle it, it keeps on coming back at you, like a relentless enemy, whenever you fight it off, it comes back at you, you cannot hold life at bay.

However, this is not the end of it, this is the less subtle way of telling you something is wrong, something is missing, you need to review your stance towards your surroundings in general and your inner self in particular, the answer lies there, nothing will avail you unless you go back to putting those in order.

Usually what happens is we resort to the easier explanations, like the test, or being away from God, not praying, not doing our charity work, it's in fact usually something more subtle than that, something far simpler, but something much harder to alter, it's something to do with your inner conflicts, with what you've taken for granted.

Allow me to tell you a couple of stories.

The first one dates back to about 5 years ago, my first year of work, back to when I thought myself to be a righteous person who will not lie to protect himself, youth arrogance you may choose to call it.

I was faced with a work situation in which I had to lie to cover my own mistakes, now to me, this was unheard of, I never was a liar, I'm not about to start now, well, things started to get ugly, there was a genuine possibility that I may lose my job.

Guess what, I bailed out, I didn't lie, but I kept on going in circles till I could find an alternative job, then resigned and let my colleagues handle my mess, luckily they managed to wrap it up.

But the fact remains, when I was cornered, I didn't man up to my mistakes, I let someone else take the shit and I ran away.

Lesson learned, you're not as gorgeous as you prefer to think, you just haven't been pushed back far enough, your first test, you failed miserably.

I was about to lie to protect myself, and at the 11th hour, God offered me an alternative, a lifeline to cling onto, He led me to safety, but not till I learned the lesson was I offered this lifeline.

The other story is far more recent, it dates back about 1 year, also work related, looks like God tests us where we're strongest, another lesson to be learned, don't trust your strengths.

In my field of work, I used to pride myself at being the best, the one who was always head-hunted, after my first job, I was approached with offers, I didn't have to look for a job, jobs offered themselves to me, life couldn't get any better on the career front, I'm making very good money, am doing something I like, it's a matter of time till I reach the top.

Anyway, my boss at the time was an old friend of mine, he asked for the HR to hire me, offer me whatever it takes to get me to make the move.

I was welcomed with open arms, was given a lot of privileges, until the day came when me and my boss feel apart, we let our pride get in the way, both of us, we were equally guilty.

He decided to fire me, but was looking for a replacement, I got word of it through people I know in the HR department, so I decided to spite him by just finding another job and leaving him alone to handle the work till he could find a replacement.

Now lo and behold, I couldn't find a job, however good I proved to be, something always went wrong, I was rejected in all my applications for different reasons, I'm either over-qualified, over-budget, interviewed by someone I'd screwed long ago, my contact left the company on 2 occasions, I was even not up to standards in one application, on another occasion, they just decided they didn't need the vacancy, budget cutting at its worst.

Ok, here I am, stuck in a company with a boss that hates my gutts, wants to fire me, I'm not welcome in my office, my contract will expire in 6 months, and won't be renewed, crisis at its peak.

Worse still, all my contacts, all my skills, however a good person I am is of no avail, where have I gone wrong, how do I get out??

Despair was the theme for the next 5 months, I knew there was nothing I could do anymore, I'd tried everything I know.

Till one day I had a conversation with this guy (my boss), we were very open, 2 enemies coming to the table to offer terms, it went superficially well, but I knew that still inside, he wasn't satisfied, he wanted to break me, to humiliate me, however one word he told me that really pierced through, that's a direct quote.

"You know, I've known you for very long, you were always good at what you do, whatever path you took, roads would open up to you, your talent with numbers is undeniable, you're very straight forward, very honest, but, you one word comes to mind when I see you "Laho fi 7'alkehe 7ekam", you do not deserve the gift God has given you, you do not deserve your talents, God gave you everything and you throw it all in his face cause you're impatient for more, you want more cause you believe you deserve more, you've become so conceited that nothing satisfies you anymore, go out, seek more, you'll never get it, cause you got what you deserved."

Well, it was then that it struck me, I had taken the gifts God gave me for granted, I considered them mine, not something that can be taken away, or worse, something that I can't use unless I was granted permission to use it, unless Rabbena Ye2mor.

It was then that I made the choice that I'm to look no more, to let go of my pride, to accept humility as it comes, it is God's will that at this stage I should taste humility, I should learn to live with the fact that nothing I do will help me unless He grants it.

2 weeks later, my boss resigned, I was off the leash, he was replaced by someone who re-instated me in my position, gave me all my privileges back and treated me fairly.

1 month more, I was contacted by the company that had decided they didn't want anyone in that position anymore, they had changed their minds and were actively recruiting me, at very decent terms, life was again looking brighter.

Now, it's always been like that for me, life would close up, all paths would be blocked, until I learned what was wrong with me, when I knew what was wrong and accepted it as a short-coming in me, things would open up again.

This is what I've picked along the way, I may be wrong, maybe what applies to me doesn't apply to the next guy, let's discuss.

Purgatory

I was reading some of my old posts, I like to re-visit my past, usually not so recent, but this time these were recent events.

As most of you know my blog only dates back about 6 months, so the feelings in there are still "fresh", if fresh is the right word to use.

Somehow, I always found serenity in re-visiting events, whether happy or sad events.

True, the last period was very turbulent, with lots of ups and downs, I had to throw away a lot of rudimentary elements of my life, the extraction was not easy, but I think it was well worth it.

The sacrifices that were made by some parties involved are well remembered and - hopefully - will be repaid, if I manage to get around to it.

The treacheries will also be well remembered, a lot of people showed their true colours.

But this is not what I'm here to speak of.

Along this brief period, I discovered that some people actually understood me more than my closest friends, more than my family even.

I also discovered that I'm no exception, I can be an ass when properly upset.

One of the most important things that I've found out is that I no longer need to go around in circles to get what I want, it was a major issue with me, I never ask for anything, I want it to be offered to me.

Last but not least I discovered that one sentence has turned my world around, to the better, this sentence made me know that I no longer need to bear with human parasites, it also made up my mind as to what I need to pursue.

One word can best describe the last 6 months, it's a word we all hate or dread, but it best describes it, "Purgatory"

Absent-mindedness

Nothing can clear the mind more than remembering funny stuff, your's and others'.

Today I speak of absent-mindedness I've either experienced or encountered along the way.

I. Ma3aki walla3a?

About a month ago, I was meeting a friend of mine, we had lunch, then went to a coffee shop for some coffee and some nice chit-chat.

I wanted to light a smoke, couldn't find my lighter:

Me: ma3aki walla3a?

Friend: ** fidling with a piece of paper to make a small boat** "ah"

For about 10 minutes I kept watching her make that boat, then she turns around.

Friend: ah, enta 3ayez walla3a!!!

II. Meen di?

2 weeks ago, I was meeting a friend, we went into a coffee shop, I needed to go to the bathroom, so she walked over to the counter to order till I returned.

Anyway, I went to the loo, did my thing, came back, while looking around, I noticed a girl who looked familiar standing on the counter to order some stuff.

Now, where have I seen this one before, maybe she works with me, a friend's friend, perhaps I'm just imagining things and I don't know this one at all.

It suddenly dawned on me, that's my friend who was ordering stuff for us while I'm answering nature's call.

III. ettafa2na 3ala kolle el tafaseel.

About 3 years ago, I used to play an online game, I'd been saving up to get myself a full fleet of battleships, when someone decided I was a worthy target and destroyed them all.

Anyway, I went to bed, was awoken about 30 minutes later by a friend who wanted to let me know that she'd broken up with her bf.

She'd left him cause he was a very active liar, she kept on talking and talking, when I suddenly fell asleep in a swoon, I dreamt of my destroyed battleships, while still talking to her, the following conversation ensued:

Me: I've agreed with my parents that I'm moving out.

Her: And they agreed?

Me: Yep, we've agreed on all the details.

Her: What details?

Me: You know, when I leave, how I'll live, how many ships will be used to move my furniture.

Her: WHAT?!!!!!!??

Me: **Waking up** What did I just say??!!!!

Her: You told me you were moving your furniture on ships, I just left my bf cause he's a liar and I come across a bigger one now.

Needless to say I never heard from her again.

IV. Fein el telephone??!!!!!

A friend of mine was driving us to Maadi on the courniche, the streets were empty and he was speeding, now this friend of mine is not the multi-tasking type at all.

Anyway, he had a phone call and was smoking while driving, he finished the call and finished the cigarette simultaneously.

All of a sudden I found him handing me the cigarette and throwing his phone out of the window, then just continuing our conversation.

I sat stunned for about 10 to 15 seconds, then he suddenly asked me:

Friend: Fein el telephone?

Me: enta rameitoh men el shebak 3and mostashfa el kowwat el mosalla7a.

Friend: **Suddenly hitting the brakes** "ana 3amalt keda tany???"

Me: howwa enta 3amalt keda 2awwalani??

Friend: ah, men sana, rameit el telephone fi el ba7r we 7atteit can beet fi geiby.

This should be it for today, try beating that dudes and dudettes.

Drained

You know, I'm pretty much drained, I think too much of many unrelated things, I try to relate them to each other.

It's like my thoughts are a flock of sheep, with me as the herder, You chase one, another two move out in two random directions, you can never account for all of them.

I used to find solace in long working hours followed by an exhausted sleep, not anymore, my mind keeps straying, I wanna be in multiple places simultaneously, I need to finish my work cause I'm needed somewhere else, so I'm not finishing my job as needed, which leaves me even more drained when I go next day to find that the load will increase cause I didn't get eveything done right on the first time.

Even sleeping has become a problem for me, these dreams, I'm not the sort of person who'll dream of nightmarish creatures, but my worst mightmares are usually associated with unexpected bad findings, the stuff only a sick mind like mine can imagine.

Someone commented that I'm unable to focus for the last week or so, it's very true, I never had that issue before, we'd start a conversation and mid-way I'd forget what we're talking about, yesterday my mom asked me if I wanted to have supper, I kept staring at her till she actually screamed at me "SHAMEL, SUPPER?????"

I know it annoys people, but I can't help it, my mind is wandering off in the darkest recesses of my memories.

Yesterday a friend caught me speaking to myself while driving, I had remembered an old conversation, about 6 years old, and I suddenly started repeating what I'd said and correcting my answers.

While I was driving home tonight, it suddenly struck me that I've never broken up with my ex, we suddenly stopped speaking, I was 23 at the time, I had just graduated, was too busy with work, all I remember is that I started working in July, she stopped calling me in September, I noticed in February, when I did call her, she'd already given up and gotten engaged, not that I blame her.

That's the price I paid for trying to make up ground on the career front.

When I come to think of it, maybe it's for the best, since it was obviously doomed anyway, but I think I'm the only guy to forget he has a gf, lol.

I've let a lot of people down in my younger days, maybe that's what's driving me now, I don't want to let people down again, most of all, I no longer want to let myself down.

Crazy ideas

Today I speak of something we all do, decide to do something irrational for the most stupid reasons.

When I was 18, I was supposed to travel to Sharm with my friends, I arranged everything, got them good room rates, flight details and everything.

2 days before the trip I had a fight with my dad and I couldn't travel,.

So here I was in Cairo, with all my friends in Sharm for the next 10 days in the mid-year vacation, I needed to do something to get out of this mood.

So, I went over to my barber, told him to shave my head clean (zalabatta) and walked over to the club.

I sat in the middle of the pergola waiting for anyone to come over and start making fun of me, I wanted to find something to laugh about, no better thing came to mind than to laugh at the jokes people made about me.

It actually worked, I had a good day of laughing, but I was stuck with an ugly head for another couple of weeks till my hair re-grew.

Anyone done anything irrational like that before?