Devine Intervention

This weekend was full of contradictions, I'll include below excerpts from my personal log.

Thursday, December 11, 2008,

Day 3 of going Cold Turkey on my addiction, I went to work again today, anything is welcome to distract me now, even working while everyone else is enjoying themselves 11 storeys below me is a welcome distraction.

I came home after a long working day, I think I've caught a cold, might have a fever, but I'd rather not take my temperature, than find I have a fever and my father hears word of it, I'll never hear the end of it.

I've instead entered into solitary confinement, I close my door and do nothing, just facing my addiction, it's not physical, it's psychlogical, I need to get rid of this dependence.

Around midnight, I had a good chat with a friend, strange how I've only known this one for less than a week and we clicked really well, I'm finding more comfort in talking to this one, than my old friends.

Friday, December 12, 2008,

Day 4 begins, this will be tougher than usual, my hand strays to the painkiller, but no painkillers for me today, I walk out of the room for a while for fresh air, this room is beginning to look and smell more like a mix of an internal combustion engines and a pig sty.

I go in again, take a look at my phone if anyone's called, nobody, don't know whether to feel good or bad about it, I miss human company, but I must face this alone, no distractions.

Around midnight, same scenario as last night, except this time, I took my temperature, no fever thankfully.

Saturday, December 13, 2008,

I went out early today, I had 2 appointments, plus some errands to do in between.

First, I visited a relative of mine, he's depressed and needs the company, we sat down listening to music and playing chess.

Just as I'm about to leave, I receive a long-dreaded call, my addiction has come to visit me, strange how my whole mood changed, my face lighted up, I'm sure I had a glimmer in my eye.

I kept staring at that phone, unsure what to do, I picked up, and within 1 minute, I was back 8 years in time, there's no addiction, no fear, just pure joy at hearing an old friend's voice.

How could I have been so dumb, just cause things didn't go my way, it doesn't mean it has to be the highway.

There's a lot of history in there, history that I was willing to let go, just cause I was too scared to lose her, I was destroying the same thing I was trying to preserve.

How ironic is that, in my feverish attempts to make sure a life long friendship would last forever, I was going to ruin it.

I don't know if the above sentence made sense, but it's how I saw everything very clearly, suddenly there was no longing, no possessiveness, just pure mutual history and caring, we were just enjoying each other's company.

Have I been such a fool as to try and finish this and consider it a weakness on my side to maintain it??!!!!!

At night, I had a wonderful meeting I'd been looking forward to for a while, and it surpassed my expectations.

So, again, I can say nothing to explain what happenned except 2 words "Devine Intervention".