Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts

I woke up early today, couldn't sleep more than 3 hours, walked out of the room, made my coffee, came back into my room, lighted a smoke and sat listening to music.

About 10 minutes ago I received an SMS from my aunt in Dubai wishing me a happy birthday, I was so happy she remembered it, for some reason most everybody else in the family forgot about it, guess it becomes a normal thing after 29 years.

Yesterday I took out the people that mean something to me to celebrate my birthday, I wanted to see all the people I love in one place, it was nice but strange.

There were 7 of us including me, most of them didn't know each other, about 1 hour into the outing, it had turned into 3 conversations, with me taking part in none of them, but I was happy and safe in the knowldege that these people were here for me.

I just lay back in my seat with a smile on my face watching them all laughing and talking and I wished I'd die in that moment, I was finally happy.

Some of them commented on me not pulling anyone's leg, I said I couldn't concentrate, but it wasn't true, I just wanted them to know each other so I was silent to let them do that, it was the main purpose of the outing.

Most of us are lonely even though we deny it, I'm glad 2 of them got each other's contacts, I had done something good to 2 people I care about a lot.

One of them got me a present, a bottle of perfume, I'll put it on today, it really meant something to me, it's been 3 years since anyone got me anything, she went to the trouble of thinking what I'd want, I won't be using it too often though, as I want that bottle to remain there reminding me that I do mean something to someone.

I'm supposed to meet someone today, I'm really looking forward to it, I'll excuse myself early from work to meet her, I really miss this girl and she's one of the few who actually care, I'd hug her if I didn't know she wasn't into physical contact and if I knew she wouldn't misinterpret it, I have a bad history that she knows about about abusing hugs when it comes to girls, I wouldn't blame her.

So I'll just get a hold of myself, again, today I think of nothing except the moment, I'm too tired of thinking.

Someone asked me yesterday about my plans for next year, I couldn't think of any, I believe plans are made so we can find something to benchmark against and find a reason for our failures.

I don't want to go to work today, but 3 sundays in a row will be too much, so I'll just have to go I guess.

I don't know what will happen this year, I have 2 plans of travelling, hope atleast one of them works out, I need the change.

I want to get drunk and just sit there thinking of nothing, get rid of these nightmares I'm having and most of all I want to lay anchor somewhere, look someone in the eye and tell her I wanna be with her for the rest of my life and she'll look me in the eye and tell me the same.

I know too romantic, too much of a fairytale, but I can always wish, that's the only thing nobody can take away from me.

1 week ago, I caught myself screaming in the car, I was too frustrated and this was the only thing that happenned, strangely enough, I didn't notice it till it was out.

It was a mix between a scream and a sigh, very loud, people in other cars looked at me as if I'm crazy, which perhaps I am.

Stranger still, I didn't know I was going to do that, I just tried to stop it when it was out, which made it sound even worse, it was like the death throes of a dying a beast that was shot in the bowels but in too much pain to actually make an effort to resist, so he's just dying slowly, looking at his killer, too exhausted to go for him.

Looks like my mom just remembered, she walked into my room right now to tell me happy birthday, I'm glad she's happy, I always made her sad before.

I'll have to run now as I'm late for work, I'll be fine till the lunch break, then fine again when it's over, work tends to do that to me, perhaps it's time I started working late hours just to stop myself thinking of any other thing.

For now, I'll just give myself a hug, wish myself happy birthday, and beg Him for a better year next year, even if I don't deserve it for being too fickle.

Your Youngest and Strongest will fall by The Sword

I watched today one of my old time favourites, an old movie called "Once upon a time in America", premiered in 1984, starring a very young Robert De Niro and James Woods, directed by Sergio Leonne, the soundtrack by Ennio Morricone.

I won't spoil it for you, I'll only make a small outline of the first half of the movie, so if you wanna watch it, you can enjoy it.

This is the story of David Aaranson AKA Noodles (De Niro), a young jewish kid of 14 living in the Ghetto in 1922.

We see him passing through very hard times, a screwed up home and family, very poor, living in an area dominated by a ganglord called Bugsy Malone.

Noodles, along with a group of 4 work for Bugsy, collecting money from store owners for protection, till one day they decide to work on their own, which Bugsy doesn't like and threatens them.

They come up with a new invention to help the mob smuggling, for which they get a cut.

After getting their first real money, walking around the streets, singing and dancing, they encouner Bugsy, who shoots the youngest of the group "Domenic", a 9 year old kid, in return Noodles stabs Bugsy to death and is sent to jail for a 10 year sentence.

The title of the post "Your Youngest and Sterongest will fall by The Sword", is a small senence that was put right above the entrance of the prison to which he was sent, it was also engraved on

the entrance of a graveyard, it summarises a lot of the turning points of the movie.

I will stop here, the story is much deeper, much more complicated than what I listed, which is a very bad narrative for it, you can never make a good summary of a good storyline.

But I'll stop here with one question.

Can you judge Noodles, seeing what background he comes from?

I for one sympathise with him, so he message I'm sending today is however bad someone may look, only judge him when you've seen what he's been through.

Put yourself in his shoes first, what would you do, if you'd find yourself a way out other then doing what they did, then and only then judge them, otherwise hold your peace.

I'll leave you with a part of the soundtrack, I for one never get bored of hearing it, gives me shivers down my spine, it's called Poverty.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvWvmQipf0Y

An unexpected change of tides

This will be very long, even by my standards, don't say I didn't warn you.

I detail below a log of events that have happenned this week, I'll skip the ones that are not mine to share. (Skip to thursday, that's where all the interesting stuff is)

Weekend was a total mess, had something on my mind that had been dragging only in my head, being unable to settle it made me stick at home for most of the time, except for friday morning, I met one of my friends, then aruptly ended the meeting cause I received an SMS that really disturbed me.

Sunday started as a wonderful day, then turned into a gloomy day, something had been settled in a way I didn't want nor wish for, but atleast it's settled.

Monday was lots of work, met one of my dearest friends at night, it was a good meeting, got my mood a bit better.

Tuesday, confused, still trying to find my bearings, went to my mom's performance, best thing I did this week, as it wasn't about fulfilling what I want.

Wednesday, more work, lots of messed up mistakes at work, I'm having trouble focusing nowadays, my mind strays in different directions, it's as if I'm purposefully destroying what I built in a sort of rebellion on myself and what I believe in, it's like I'm daring HIM to strike me down, not sure when I'll get out of this mood, last time it took me 2 years, I hope I've grown enough to realise what needs to be done.

Thursday: 3 main events mark the day.

I. Our CFO came in and asked me why I was so gloomy this week, you look like you've just come back from your son's funeral my friend, he says, then walks away. I just smile stupidly at him, but it really sinks in, have I become so bad at isolating work from life, does it show that much that I'm morbid these days, I was good at putting on my mask before, what happenned??

II. I went to the ATM to draw my payroll to find they had transferred almost double my salary, I call our CFO telling him there's a mistake and whether I should withdraw the cash and return it or leave it there and instruct the bank to re-transfer the difference.

Et voila, the first good news of the week, "You've been doing really well, so we've obtained exceptional approval for you to get 1 month bonus".

This is good news, not about the money, it's about being appreciated, I've been with them since September 14th and already I'm being rewarded.

III. 7 years ago, a friend of mine had a gf, she had a friend, we met up back then, we were very interested in each other, then my friend screwed me, I was out.

3 years later I was home on a 4 day break between jobs, she came on my mind, thought I'd give her a call, she was very welcoming, we started dating for a couple of months, then she told me that she'd already been engaged when I called her.

I stopped calling her, 4 months later, she called me, told me she'd been married for a week and had discovered too late that she was in love with me, I told we couldn't speak anymore it ended there.

Today I was walking at City Stars, when I saw her, she looked as lovely as ever, and NO WEDDING RING.

I stood there like a guy who'd been thunderstruck for about 2 to 3 minutes undecided on what to do, she didn't see me and went on her way.

But I find myself asking, why am I getting all these visions of past events re-visiting me these days, why now?

So, here's what happenned during this week, a queer one, huh?

Crazy ideas

Today I speak of something we all do, decide to do something irrational for the most stupid reasons.

When I was 18, I was supposed to travel to Sharm with my friends, I arranged everything, got them good room rates, flight details and everything.

2 days before the trip I had a fight with my dad and I couldn't travel,.

So here I was in Cairo, with all my friends in Sharm for the next 10 days in the mid-year vacation, I needed to do something to get out of this mood.

So, I went over to my barber, told him to shave my head clean (zalabatta) and walked over to the club.

I sat in the middle of the pergola waiting for anyone to come over and start making fun of me, I wanted to find something to laugh about, no better thing came to mind than to laugh at the jokes people made about me.

It actually worked, I had a good day of laughing, but I was stuck with an ugly head for another couple of weeks till my hair re-grew.

Anyone done anything irrational like that before?

The Performance

My mom is a member of a choir, she likes to sing and it fills up her life a bit, since - regrettably - I'm not there for her as much as I hope, I'd been shutting myself up in my room for the last 14 years, only come out during meal times.

They have 2 performances a year, on 2 consecutive days, yesterday was the first, today the second.

Anyway, I didn't intend to attend her annual performance yesterday as I was out of mood, my dad couldn't attend as well as he's ill.

I went home after work, opened up a bottle of beer and decided tonight was one to drink, make fun of people and shut the world out, when my dad knocked on my door and told me that my mom was ill and would only be singing on the first performance and that she had called him and told him she was very frustrated at me for not being there.

Anyway, I got up, got dressed in my finest suit, went over to attend.

I arrived after it had started, so I waited till the entre'acte, then went over to her, hugged her, and for the first time, my mom cried on my shoulder, she was very happy that I took the trouble and went.

You should've seen her showing me around to her friends, calling them over "That's my son", I was happy for her and I regret the many times I let her down.

I wanna make it up to her, I was very selfish, too indulged in my own grief to actually notice how we made her feel at home, that she actually sought a life elsewhere.

I wanna take her out next friday, along with my dad, not sure where though.

On a brighter note, I'd been trying to make contact with a fellow blogger, yesterday when I returned home, I found him online, we had a brief but good talk, I hope I didn't bore him to death, he's a good guy who'll grow up to see the world isn't about decisions one day, it's about how you handle them.

I feel I must apologise for being royally boring during the last couple of days, I had lost something dear to me and was trying to regain my self-esteem, coming to terms with loss does that to me.

Special thanks to Sand for letting me see it, even if the words were rough around the edges, I was losing something more important, your words made me regain them (It's the post I deleted).

Also for a very old friend for being here when needed most, I know it was difficult, I'm not sure you read my blog anymore, but just in case you do, I owe you this one amopngst a lot of other things.

It's 8:15, I'm due at City Stars at 9:00.

I'll see you all soon, hope not to bore you all again.

Slop out!!!!

This has been too gloomy, let's have a laugh

Mafia Panda, was posted on my forum, thought I'd share, will make for a change from yesterday's mood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8n3KDH73BY

Another year approaches

I'm turning 29 next week, as I look back, this was one of the most turbulent of my life.

I made a lot of wrong decisions which were remedied by different moves later on, on the whole it was a good year results wise, although the steps taken were quite painful.

I list below a not-so-detailed account of the goings by month.

November 2007: I make a move to a major local retailer, leaving my multi-national industry leader for double my package, which seemed right at the time, later turned out to be the ruin of my career.
December 2007: I go into a brief relationship which showed me that I can be a bastard like anyone else.
January 2008: Problems arise at work which result in me starting to look for a move, for the first time I'm threatened of losing my job, cause I took the fight to a personal level with an unscupulous character.
February 2008: I end the relationship I started, being forced to by someone speaking behind my back.
March 2008: An old relative of mine re-appears in my life, giving me better leverage, we had been torn apart by the division bell, people call religious beliefs.
April 2008: Job hunting with no success.
May 2008: My boss resigns, which gives me more time to look for a job, may he never experience a moment of happiness.
June 2008: Nothing
July 2008: An old friend re-approaches me after disappearing for 15 months, the greatest event of the year.
August 2008: I find a new job effective September, life is looking brighter by the moment.
September 2008: I move to my new job, start finding a purpose for life finally, I hope my dream realises after 8 years of waiting.
October 2008: I break my last tie to my old chums, a decision I should've taken long ago.

So there you see, it was a fruitful year, though full of unexpected turns, I don't regret anything except the delays that came on the way.

I hope the next year will be a continuation, no more turning points for me, except on one field which I hope will be settled finally.