Define yourself

I know it's been long, but somehow I'd felt like there was nothing in me to write about, ironically today, I do have something to talk about.

It's been quite stormy lately, however, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel, only, sometimes it's the train that coming to run you over and get it over with.

Anyway, I'd been contemplating certain events, choices, crossroads and trying to find out whether I was right or wrong to take them, also, if I were wrong, where did I go wrong?

I sat down, remembered a few conversations that defined certain times of my life, all of a sudden it dawned on me that I had failed to actually define myself.

Some people would say it's our choices that define us, I'll take that with a pinch of salt, it must be deeper than this.

Other people will tell you that it's our aspirations, our intentions that define us, again, too theoretical for my liking.

I believe it's our boundaries that define us, not our potentials or our capabilities, it's our moral and mental boundaries, let me tell you a small story of myself when I was much younger, a 20 year old story, back from when I was 11.

I had switched schools, moved to a better school (or so my parents told me at the time), at 11, guys begin taking the transition into adulthood (Physical ofcourse), the time when you're waiting for your beard to grow, waiting to go out on your first date, waiting for the first time you wake up and find you ejaculated while you were asleep, forgive the wording, but I'm not in a mood to pick my words.

Naturally, it varies from one guy to another, some take the transition at 11, others later on, but that's not what I'm here to discuss, what I'm here to discuss is the mental change that goes with it, the ego growth for a boy who feels he's now a man.

First thing I noticed at my new school is that there were gangs amongst the students, I was the new comer, so I wasn't in any of the gangs/coalitions, then came the first fight, like in-mates in a prison, testing the mettle of the new comer, I still remember the guy who picked the fight, he was a short scrawny fellow, I was quite large for my age, naturally I beat him, I was taller and heavier, he stood no chance, then followed his gang, and for the first time I was exposed to a gang beating for 5 minutes I lay on the floor being kicked by 7 or 8 guys, some pulled their belts and started whipping me with them, my best hope was to cover my face and my eyes.

Next week, another fight similar to the first, different names, different faces, same scenario.

I did notice though, that there was another guy who nobody seemed to touch, he wasn't particularly strong, but they all let him be, for some reason this guy had the space and he also inspired fear in them.

Until one day ( 3 years later) I asked him how come he was left unmolested, when people would come from different buildings to pick on me even though I was fitter than him and a better fighter, and he gave me the answer.

" Cause you're a coward, you beat one of them, but you never make any of them bleed, you never hurt, you simply subdue, so they know that you're not dangerous to fight with, they'll beat you and you'll tickle them, you're too scared to draw out blood, too scared to hurt."

Next week, I had another fight, but this time I decided I wasn't going to be so soft anymore, I nearly killed one of them, I can still remember how I kept banging his head on a wall.

Next week, another fight, same scenario, except this time it was in the street in front of school and I threw the guy in front of a moving car.

Lo and behold, nobody came my way anymore.

I, too decided not to fight again, and I haven't, last time I fought I was 15, after that I was simply not interested in fighting, I'd let insults pass, cause I was simply not interested, I knew that if I let my temper rise again, I'd cause someone some serious harm and I had a future to look out for.

Now, jumping forward 16 years later, I still have a boundary, I never ever cross it, in verbal confrontations ofcourse, but somehow I'm beginning to wonder if I should for once let loose all the anger, if I should overlook my own standards and hit back, way below the belt, like everyone's doing to me, how would I feel?

The more important question is, how will I define myself after this eruption, what will I lose and what will I gain, or will I simply lose without gaining?

What do you think?